Sanitize, sanitize...

I LOATH hospitals. And yet at this point of my life i'm sitting in the ER of Lexington Medical Center with a poor sickie-girl named Andrea waiting for antibiotics for a sinus infection so that she can be well for the rest of our vacation in Charleston. I only keep thinking of what could potentially walk through that door...severed limbs, broken arms, hatchets protruding from shins...you know, pleasant visions. Oh hypochondriac tendencies, how I hate thee. Must go sanitize again and only breath when necessary... 😷

...

For those of you from homes where screaming and yelling and cursing is a normal occurrence...I don't know how you do it. You have my empathy...and my prayers.

No wrong answer?!?

I hate making decisions. Like a lot.

The little decisions are no problem:

Do I want iced or hot coffee? Definitely iced.

Should I go with highlights or lowlights? It's summer...definitely highlights.

or

Do I get a pedicure or change the oil in my car? Well...the car can technically go another few hundred miles, so pedicure it is!

I like those decisions. Simple, concise and they don't really impact my life all that much.

It's those bigger ones that I hate. Like, for instance, whether to go back to school or not. I've already decided that I want to. Now comes the hard part for me...what to study? I mean, I'm not grasping for straws here, like I did with my undergrad...I kinda know what I want to do. But I'm faced now with two things that I love.

Little bit of background...I have a BS in Geography with a Minor in Spanish. I chose that degree hastily because it got me out of school quicker so I could start on a "new" chapter of life that never happened. (Seriously, I"m happy it didn't...I wouldn't be who I am today if it had...and trust me friends, you'd be sorry it happened too! ;D)

So, I taught at a private school for a year after college while simultaneously working at Starbucks developing my coffee addiction. I took a year off of life and moved to Orlando where, due to management/money issues, I took a job with Wells Fargo and decided to stay put/move up in the company for a little over a year. When I decided to part ways with my beloved bank, I went back to Starbucks and will be teaching part time again in the fall. Believe me when I say, there's no place I'd rather be right now than where I am.

BUT, with new job comes more time. And with more time comes boredom. And with boredom, Amanda resorts to one thing that she really and truly enjoys...school. Yes, I admit, I'm a nerd. I like to be in school. I like to learn new things, develop new skills, debate/discuss issues, and meet interesting people. You have full permission to pick on me.

So I'm caught right now between two things that I love: Jesus and His people, and the law. I'm planning on taking the LSAT in October...step 1 to seeing if Law School could potentially be right for me. We'll look at step 2 when I get my results back. Other option: Jesus and His people. I've totally considered seminary. Not to preach...although that's a funny idea. Definitely considered my MDIV with a concentration in Biblical counseling. Totally opposite sides of the spectrum, but hey, I work in extremes anyways.

So now I'm stuck at a crossroads with this idea that I need to make a decision right now. But the truth is, I DON'T! I don't need to decide if I'm going to Georgia State or somewhere else. I don't need to decide right now if $40,000/year to do both things I want to do is what I should be doing. I can take time. I can pray.

And in reality, THERE'S NO WRONG ANSWER! I mean, think about it. If law school ends up working, God will use it and me to further His kingdom and give Him glory. Same to be said of seminary. I now get to wait. I get to take baby steps and wait to see if the doors I'm knocking on will fly open or remain shut.

I hate waiting.

But it's good for me.

Because He will meet me as I wait. And that's a fabulous idea.

Oh venting...

Screaming on the inside is no fun.

Not the happy, excited-type of screaming. Like the kind that happens when you buy someone a really awesome Christmas present or when you're planning the greatest surprise party ever.

Not that kind at all.

It's the kind that manifests itself in tears because in reality, you can't talk to anyone about it. The kind that makes your stomach ache, your eyes burn, and your throat feel like you'll never be able to take a breath again. Or swallow. Or think straight. The kind that makes you want to burst into loud sobs with very unflattering-looking tears and punch everything in sight simultaneously. And then want a really big hug.

That's the kind.

Maybe I'll invest in a punching bag. Or replace my running shoes...they're really sad-looking. Or take up kickboxing.

Or maybe I'll remember that I have a High Priest who sympathizes with my weaknesses because He has been tempted in every way I have, yet without sin. Maybe I'll remember that He experienced emotion as well, and is the best Comforter because He knows what it feels like to feel ultimate hurt and betrayal. Maybe I'll chose to cling to the strength of His Spirit, that same strength and power that raised Him from the dead and is daily working in my heart. Maybe I'll chose to have faith.

I like Option 2. Option 2 normally works better, just fyi. And is less destructive, leaving you with a nice manicure and fingers that aren't broken. (Trust me...I've tried Option 1...just leads to more problems...)


"Let me find Your joy in my sorrow, you're wealth in my need/That You're near with every breath in the valley..."

So, I'm writing a book...

Not really.

Yet.

But eventually...someday.

And it will have a clever title. I've already thought of it. And don't you just wish I told you. Nope. It's mine. I'm keeping it all to myself. Well, myself and my two sisters who came up with it. And they are sworn to secrecy...I think.

Anyways, I used to do this blogging thing a lot. I like the idea of being able to throw my thoughts out into some sort of an abyss so that someday when I am dead and gone and my children sort through all of the incredibly valuable and important "stuff" I've kept throughout my years on Earth, they don't have to find a journal containing their crazy mother's crazy thoughts. They'll appreciate it, I know.

Tonight...this morning?...whenever it is, I'm slightly infuriated.

"Infuriated" - furious; enraged

Ok, maybe that's a little too strong of a word. But I'm more than a little bothered, not quite enraged, but not feeling the normal "yeah, whatever" emotion I normally feel when I'm working.

Without going into much detail, I will sum up my infuriation. I am a legalist who hates legalism. I have my own little sets of do's and don't's for myself, and I try (and fail) to not impose them upon other people. Well, to physically impose them. In my mind, however, people should just behave the exact same way I do. That way we'll all be happy and the world will continue to spin, being filled with a lot more rainbows, puppies and unicorns. God's working on this part of me...the do's and don't's aren't necessary. They hinder true joy.

However, when I see another person or organization imposing their beliefs on me...beliefs that I don't necessarily agree with...I become infuriated. I feel as if they have absolutely no right to make me commit to something that I don't agree with. In this particular situation, I agree with 95% of that they say. It's that 5% that's driving me crazy. And in my heart, I am angry, feeling that I am being treated unjustly because of what I believe to be true.

So...what do I do?

Well, in all actuality, I have zero control over how this organization is run or over what this person believes. I cannot change another person.

So what can I change?

My response.

What does the gospel have to say about this? What does it have to say about my present state of infuriation? What does it have to say about my response during my meeting tomorrow when I have to defend my answers and my beliefs?

Philippians 2:5-11 - "Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though He was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped; but made Himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Therefore, God has highly exalted Him and bestowed on Him the name that is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father."

This is one of my favorite sections from one of my favorite books of the Bible. And it speaks right to my heart issue like so...

"...feeling that I am being treated unjustly..."

So, I'm pretty certain Christ was treated unjustly. I mean, He was fully God. 100% deity and 100% humanity. He was God in a human body. Hated, despised, and rejected. Offering life and salvation, and receiving death. He made Himself nothing. He didn't respond by infuriation. He didn't retaliate when He was abused. He took it completely. He took it because He was humble and He was obedient. He took it so that I'll never have to take it. He took it so that I can be loved by God without fear of His wrath, judgement, or separation.

He took it to the point of death. But death did not defeat Him. He rose again. He is highly exalted, worshiped and adored by all of heaven and all of creation. He is seated on His heavenly throne right now ruling and reigning.

So why is this important?

Because He's also interceding on my behalf. He knows what it means to be tempted. He knows what it means to want to justify or defend what you believe so that you ultimately look good. He was tempted in every respect, but without sin. And he invites me to boldly cry out for grace and help to "take it." To boldly approach Him knowing that I am forgiven through His blood and in need of the mercy and grace He freely offers (Hebrews 4:14-16).

So ultimately this means that I can walk into my meeting tomorrow begging Him for a humble heart. A humble heart that is confident in the convictions He has given me. A humble heart knowing that if I do become angry, His grace and forgiveness is right there, ready for me. A humble heart that knows that her Savior is her advocate, and He will fight for her.

That was a round-about way of discussing something that really and truly took up one line of the paperwork I was filling out tonight. But I needed to type it out...save the hand from being sore from writing it all out. And maybe, just maybe, one day it will encourage someone as well.

Now maybe I can get some sleep. :D

Signing off for now...